Pass on Gas

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You Can't Take a Pass on Gas

    Today, we are going to talk about flatulence, not to be confused with flatlands, as Illinois is called by the cheeseheads in Wisconsin. Flatulence is the release of gasses from the human body, which, by no small coincidence, you can sometimes blame on cheese.

    On average, people pass ¾ of a quart of gas a day and have 16 farts. Can I say fart in a family publication? I’m not sure what else I would use. Gas passage? That’s a bit too lyrical. Plus, it sounds very French. The French call a fart “le pet,” and you really don’t want to have a fart for a pet. But you might have a pet that farts, especially if you have an elephant, which is the animal that farts the most.
So it’s settled. For simplicity, I’ll stick with the term commonly used on playgrounds everywhere: “fart.”

    Whatever the terminology, there is a lot of gas floating around. At ¾ of a quart in 16 farts, a single fart releases .05 quarts of gas. That’s .0125 gallons, which will cost you at least 2¢ at the gas station, and will cost even more after you buy a Snickers® bar and a soda at the mini-mart.

    For the most part, passed gas is harmless, if a bit odorous, once it’s released, unless the gas contains a high level methane and hydrogen. Then it’s flammable. When all that gas becomes bottled up inside your intestines, that’s the real problem.

    The gas you release from your body in fart form comes either from swallowed air (a no-calorie treat!), or from bacteria. Typically, if you have excessive gas, the cause is bacteria in the intestines, not because you are an air gulper, unless you are gulping air while participating in a cheeseburger-eating contest.

    Here’s how your body produces gas: In the digestive system, food moves from the small intestine to the colon. Bacteria that inhabit your colon go after food that your body doesn’t digest in your small intestine. After their picnic on maldigested food, those bacteria then produce gas. Basically, human farts are a conglomerate of bacteria farts. If you have hard-working bacteria that produce a lot of gas, you will produce excessive gas. The same problem arises if you have transient bacteria that travel from their home in the colon to the small intestine – called bacterial overgrowth, the suburban sprawl of the digestive tract.

    The most common foods that are poorly digested – and make a feast for bacteria – are sugars and starches. Hard-to-digest starch foods are wheat, oats, potatoes and corn. Some fruits and vegetables also contain hard-to-process starches. Sugars that are not easily digested are: sorbitol, a low-calorie sweetener; fructose, a common sweetener in all kinds of candy, sodas and other drinks; and lactose, the sugar in milk. So, a gastric volcano can erupt from a diet root beer float and a handful of Life Savers®.

    Can you prevent flatulence? No, not completely. Like death and taxes, farts are inevitable. If you have a problem with excessive gas, pay attention to what you eat and when you fart. Chances are your friends already do. Then, find the connection between your intake and your output and cut back on the foods that cause you to frequently fart.

    If simple self-observation doesn’t work, your doctor can schedule x-rays, ultrasounds, and breath tests to help uncover the cause of your intestinal distress. Those tests also might discover other diseases or determine that you are drunk. Depending on your test results, treatment may include antibiotics to treat bacterial overgrowth or medication that reduces gas production – the exact treatment OPEC offers when oil prices drop.

    Each person reacts differently, so the foods that trigger your farts may be different from the foods that gas up your neighbor. You may be sensitive to beans and milk but not gas-reactive to whole grains. Other people start farting as soon as they get close to an ear of corn but can down a bowl of chili topped with cheese. Which brings us back to the differences between corn-growing Illinois flatlanders and Wisconsin cheeseheads, as seen on TV during any Bears-Packers game.