Ode to Oats

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Ode to Oats

    How freaked out were you to learn that the Quaker Oats guy was a guy?

    I am the youngest of six children. My older siblings – at least, my four brothers – thought of me as a combination science experiment/ Tickle Me Elmo/Candid Camera contestant. My sister just thought of me as a brat.

    So when my brother Eric told me about the y-chromosome status of the Quaker Oats guy, I thought Rob was waiting under the kitchen table to laugh at my gullibility and then hold me down to be tickled until my lips turned purple, my eyes bugged out and I peed in my favorite plaid pants.

    Turns out, it was one of the few truths they told me. The Quaker Oats guy and their favorite bedtime story, Buckets of Blood. Seriously, there’s proof that Buckets of Blood is true. But don’t confuse it with the Boogieman, because he was just my brother John, who hid under my bed until I was almost asleep, at which point he jumped out, waved his arms, and shouted “Bugabugabugablblblblblblaayyaaah!”

   That was about 35 years ago, before the Rocky Horror Picture Show, the real Rock Hudson, and my therapy. Society has changed. While the effeminate nature of the Quaker Oats guy may have turned off John Wayne, today, the Quaker company would have been smart to buy product placement in Brokeback Mountain.

    Regardless of the wardrobe choices or sexual preferences of the food’s mascot, oats are – perhaps in the words of the Quaker Oats guy – simply fabulous! Those pert little whole-grain flakes are not just eye candy for the top of a loaf of bread. They are stacked with nutritional power. Your morning bowl of oatmeal contains several important vitamins and minerals, including:

•   Manganese, which keeps bones strong, helps your body synthesize cholesterol, improves the function of your thyroid gland, and keeps your nerves healthy even when your boss calls you into the office after you miss a deadline.
•   Selenium protects cells from free-radical damage and helps lower your risk of joint inflammation.
•   Thiamin (vitamin B1 incognito) maintains energy supplies, coordinates the activity of nerves and muscles, and supports proper heart function.
•   Magnesium strengthens bones, helps blood circulation, and relaxes your nerves and muscles.

    Oats’ famous ability to reduce cholesterol – and, as a result, reduce the risk of heart disease – comes in large part from their high fiber content. Beta-glucan is oats’ special fiber (or, as they say in the UK, where most food looks like oatmeal even if it is a steak, fibre). The amount of beta-glucan in a bowl of oatmeal can reduce total cholesterol by up to 25% in people with cholesterol above 220 mg/dl (milligrams per deciliter, or, “mig dull”). Each one percent drop in serum cholesterol leads to a two percent decrease in the risk of developing heart disease. Even those of you who had the math teacher who asked students for help figuring the answers to the homework can calculate the potential life-saving benefits packed into every oat groat.

   That sounds lyrical, doesn’t it? Oat groat. The groat of the oat is mainly on the boat. But what’s a groat? It’s not the groan of an oat, because oats can’t groan, even when the Bears lose. Again. Oats don’t come into this world as flakes; they grow as full-fledged grains, and each kernel, wrapped inside a hull, is a groat. To create the oats you know, the groats are dehulled, steamed, and then rolled into flakes of varying thicknesses.

   A June 2007 study in the Journal of Nutrition put oats in the klieg lights anew for their star power in providing cardiovascular benefits in addition to their cholesterol-reducing clout. The study, published under the catchy title of "Avenanthramides Are Bioavailable and Have Antioxidant Activity in Humans after Acute Consumption of an Enriched Mixture from Oats," points out that antioxidant compounds in oats help reduce the risk of heart disease.

    Fortunately for our hearts, oats are everywhere, grown in practically every country in the world. Yes, even Moldavia, which looks like it doesn’t have room to grow enough oats to fill Little Bear’s bowl. But not all oats are created equal. Not that there’s any discriminating going on. But “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” doesn’t apply to your health.

    As with most foods, and even a few celebrities, an oat that is closer to its natural state is better. The oats in those colorful little packets of flavored instant oatmeal have had a lot of work done on them. They’ve been cut and rolled and pressed and cut some more and then thrown together with sugar and salt and artificial flavoring. They are as similar to an oat groat as Courtney Love’s lips are to those she was born with. The processed oats are not as high in fiber or as full of nutritional value as old-fashioned (thick and whole) or even quick (thinner and cut) rolled oats.

    Some oat lovers sneer at any oat flake, preferring Irish oats, which are groats toasted and cut into small pieces with a steel blade. Cooking Irish oats results in a chewier porridge than rolled oats, and it is quite tasty. However, don’t avoid old-fashioned oats, because (1) it’s odd to be an oat snob, and (2) any very slight nutritional benefit that Irish oats might provide is balanced with the fact that cooking time is five times longer than even the thickest rolled oats.

    You don’t have to eat your oats hot, or even in a bowl, to enjoy the health boost. Granola, muesli, and oatmeal cookies are heart-healthy options. Make your own muesli before you go to bed tonight: Put a cup of plain, nonfat yogurt in a bowl. Add ½ cup old-fashioned oats. Throw in a few tablespoons each of chopped walnuts, slivered almonds, dried cranberries, diced apple and roasted sunflower seeds. Sprinkle on some cinnamon, honey, and few bits of crystallized ginger. Mix it up, cover it, and put it in the fridge. In the morning, you’ll have a satisfying breakfast waiting for you.

    Even the word oats sounds satisfying and strong. The scientific name is more exotic – avena sativa, which sounds like the curse wizards use to kill each other. And Dumbledore is gay, which goes to show you that you can’t judge a food by its mascot. That Quaker Oats guy may dress funny, but he’s not old fashioned like his oats.